


Shattered Mirrors

by the_technicolor_whiscash



Series: Smoke and Mirrors [4]
Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Gen, Gunshots, Mirrorverse AU, Not like overly graphic so, Private Investigator, i went wild on this one, mild violence, multiverse au, rated T for violence and swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 17:06:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12798681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_technicolor_whiscash/pseuds/the_technicolor_whiscash
Summary: Caught in another alternate universe, Jonah must discover what his private investigator counterpart had been looking into. Aided by a reluctant Kinga, they discover that this universe is more than they bargained for.





	Shattered Mirrors

**Author's Note:**

> I... went a little overboard on this one.  
> Many thanks to my beta reader speccygeekgrrl!

When Jonah came to, he realized that it was cold. Too cold. Way colder than the Satellite of Love had ever been. But that was probably because he was no longer on the Satellite. He seemed to be standing in a park, at night, as snow was beginning to fall. 

_Damnit._ He thought to himself. _Must’ve travelled to a different universe again._

He patted his pockets, pulling out a wallet and some business cards. Walking over to a lamppost, he examined them in the light. The wallet seemed normal, containing a driver’s license with ‘JONAH J. HESTON’ on it, not out of the ordinary. But what was intriguing was the business card. It read ‘HESTON, SERVO, ROBOT. PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS.’ 

Alright. So in this universe, Jonah seemed to be a private investigator. It wasn’t the worst alternate universe to be dropped into. And the card had an address on it, where he assumed the office was. He would probably have to go there to discover anything further. 

Out of nowhere, he heard a loud crack coming out of a wooded area to his left. And it definitely wasn’t fireworks. It was the sound of gunshots, loud and clear. Jonah immediately dived for the ground, crawling his way towards a nearby bush. He did his best to conceal himself, and with bated breath, anxiously awaited what would happen next. 

A group of men came out of the woods, standing around the spot where Jonah had just been standing. They didn’t exactly look like the most trustworthy of people, dressed in all black and each toting at least a handgun. 

“Damnit. Where’d he go?” One man said, in a distinctly New Yorker accent. 

“The slippery son of a bitch must’ve gotten away. Anyone see where he went?” Asked another. This one had a different accent, but one Jonah couldn’t quite place. 

A collective mumble of “no’s” ensued. 

“Shit. We’ve gotta find this bastard, before he messes with us again.” The first man said. “Come on, we’ve got better things to do than stand around.”

They left, and Jonah stayed in the bush until they were long gone. He still had to process what had just happened. Apparently, this universe him was not on good terms with whoever those guys were. And it didn’t look like a situation he wanted to be in. 

After what felt like hours, he crawled out of the bush and proceeded towards the address on the card with the aid of his phone GPS. It led him to a small brick building of two floors, the first of which was the office for Heston, Servo, and Robot Private Investigators. He felt around in his pockets and found a set of keys, and after a few tries he found the right one to open the door.

“Anyone here?” He asked, as he closed the door behind him. 

Silence. 

He took that silence as a good thing, flicked on the lights, and proceeded to examine the space. All three of them had their own offices with desks, each set up with different knick-knacks on top. Jonah smiled. Even in this universe, the Bots seemed to like the same sort of things. 

Jonah approached his own desk, which was replete with a metal nameplate bearing his name, alongside the letters ‘P.I.’ _A bit of a step up from Magnum P.I._ He thought. 

Pulling open the drawers, he examined their contents, being careful to make it seem like no one had rifled through them. There was a lot of paperwork, some circuit boards this universe’s Jonah must’ve been tinkering with, a bunch of cassette tapes, and a small radio. One drawer was locked, but he quickly got it open with another one of the keys from his pocket. This drawer only contained two things: a gun, and a document that Jonah abruptly realized was his last will and testament. 

He took a step back. What was this universe’s version of him doing? What shit had he gotten himself into? Most private investigators just investigate for wives looking for dirt on their husbands, but this? This was bigger. This was deeper. This was… well, Jonah had no idea what it was. 

All of a sudden, he heard the sound of metal feet tapping against wood. After a moment, Crow appeared in the doorway, Tom Servo floating in the air just beside him. 

“Jonah! I never thought I’d be glad to see you.” Said Crow. 

Jonah smirked. “Thanks, Crow. But you should know, I’m not the Jonah you know. I’m - and this is going to sound really hard to believe - the Jonah from a different universe.”

Crow rolled his eyes. “I know that. I’m the Crow from a different universe. Only Tom here is the one from this universe.”

Jonah raised an eyebrow. “Really? Hold on, what universe are you from?”

“The one where Kinga and Max are the Mads, and you’re the test subject.”

“Ok, so you’re from my universe then. That makes things simpler.”

“I feel like this has been happening a lot lately. Some of us just ending up in different universes.”

Jonah pondered that for a moment. “You’re right. This never happened before that time the Mads sent up that matter transference machine, and sending it back down didn’t seem to solve the problem. I think there’s something happening there that we haven’t figured out yet.”

“I’m sure it’ll figure itself out eventually.” Crow said, beginning to sound disinterested. “Anyway, we’re detectives in this universe!”

“Yeah, and I just got shot at in a park. Tom, you’re from this universe, do you know anything about that?”

Tom shook his head. “Nope. But it probably has something to do with a project that you… er, this universe’s you were working on with a client. It was all top secret, confidential sort of stuff that you didn’t share with either of us.”

Jonah glanced at the paperwork in the open drawers. Could that have something to do with it? “Did I tell you anything about it? Anything at all?”

“Not a word.” Before Jonah could sigh, Tom continued. “But we did break into your desk and filing cabinet once to see what you were doing. Well, it might have been more than once. But how many times we broke into your desk is not important. What is important, is that it has something to do with an undercover cigarette smuggling operation happening within the city.”

“Seriously?”

“Have I ever lied to you?”

“Yes, constantly.”

“That doesn’t matter. What matters is, I’m pretty sure you’ve got smugglers trying to kill you now.”

Now was the time for Jonah to sigh. “Wonderful.” 

“Wow.” Crow said. “Accidentally end up in a different universe and you’ve already got people wanting your head.”

“Thanks for your support, Crow.”

“No problem.”

Jonah rubbed a hand along his forehead. “Ok. We need to figure this out. I have no idea how to be a private investigator. Maybe we should just lay low until we somehow end up back in our universe.”

“What if someone comes in with a case?” Tom asked. 

“Well, we’ll just have to turn them down.”

“What if it’s something really important?”

“I still can’t help them. I have no idea how.”

Tom scoffed. “Come on. It’s not that hard. A little snooping, a little invasion of privacy. It’s fun.”

“Tom, I’m not invading anyone’s privacy.”

“Your loss.”

Out of nowhere, Jonah heard a cough come from behind him. He turned around, and was greeted by none other than TV’s Son of TV’s Frank. 

“Uh, hi.” Max said anxiously. “Are you guys open?”

“We sure are!” Tom replied, before Jonah could say anything. 

“Sorry to bother you so late at night, but I need help finding someone.”

Jonah considered what to do. He didn’t mind Max, and plus, this was the Max from a different universe. He probably wouldn’t send a giant metal dinosaur after him. And how hard could it really be to find someone? “Alright. Who do you need found?”

“My friend, Kinga Forrester. She disappeared earlier, and she won’t pick up her phone.”

Great. Now he had to find Kinga, of all people. Hopefully this universe’s Kinga wouldn’t try to kidnap him. “You sure she hasn’t just lost her phone or something?”

“I’m sure. She lives with me, and normally she calls before she spends the night anywhere, and she didn’t show up at work today.”

“Can I ask why you decided to come here so late at night?”

Max chuckled hesitantly. “It’s kind of a long story, but basically, I had to deal with a cat problem.”

“Exciting.” Jonah said, smiling. “Yeah, we’ll take your case.” He realized that Max, in this universe, didn’t know him. “I’m Jonah Heston, by the way, and these are my… business partners, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo.”

“Max Frank. But, uh, you can just call me Max.” 

“We’ll find your friend, Max. I’m sure of it.”

—————

Jonah laid his head on his desk. He had been up for hours, pondering what to do. Clearly, he wasn’t going to be heading back to his own universe anytime soon. Just in case, he wrote down everything that had happened, so that if he did end up returning to his universe before this whole thing was over, this universe’s Jonah could pick up where he left off. But at this point, Jonah was exhausted and lost. 

“I have no idea what I’m doing.” He muttered to himself, staring at the wall. “How do you even find someone who’s disappeared? Google?”

After a few more minutes of his moping, Jonah heard a knock at the door to his office. Picking up his head, he yelled out, “Come in.” 

The person who appeared would make his job incredibly easier. It was Kinga. And she seemed distressed. 

“Hi, I need your help.” She said, walking right up to his desk. “I need to disappear for a while.”

Jonah raised an eyebrow. “Should I even ask why?”

“It’s a complicated story, that you wouldn’t believe.”

“Trust me, I’ve seen a lot. I can handle it.”

Kinga sighed. “I’m from a different universe. I must’ve switched bodies with this universe’s me, and now I need to hide until I switch back.”

So Crow wasn’t the only one who ended up in this universe with him. 

Jonah smirked. “Well, lucky for you, I’m from a different universe too. Crow and I somehow ended up here.”

Kinga took a step back, looking skeptical. “I can’t tell if you’re lying or not.”

“I’m dead serious, Kinga. And also, I have no idea how to act as a private investigator.”

“That part doesn’t surprise me.” She fiddled with her collar, apparently not enjoying this whole experience. “Listen, this is incredibly embarrassing to me, but I’m gonna ask you for your help. Neither of us know what the hell we’re doing in this universe. I don’t even know where I live.”

“You live with Max, apparently.”

“How do you know that?”

“He came by last night and asked me to look for you. Well, for this universe’s you.”

“If he comes by again, please don’t tell him that you’ve seen me.”

“Sure. But that means that now neither of us have anywhere to live.”

“You have a point. If you’re an investigator, don’t you have a house? Or a trailer or something? I can see you living out of a Rockford-esque trailer.”

“I don’t know. I spent the whole night here. I haven’t even gotten any sleep in the last twenty hours or so.” He paused. “I might have a solution to this, though. TOM!”

Tom floated into his office. “What? You interrupted a very interesting session of me trying to make ramen in the coffee pot.”

“You know you’re not supposed to do that, right?” He sighed. “Never mind. Tom, do you know where I live?”

“Oh, yeah, in the state of confusion.”

“Tom. Come on.”

“Alright, alright. You live on the second floor of this building. Crow and I do too. That’s where I was making ramen in the coffee pot.”

“Tommy!” Crow’s voice floated into the office. “The coffee pot’s melting!”

“Gotta go!” Tom said, and quickly left the office. He abruptly poked his head into view from the door. “Who’s she?”

“This is Kinga. She’s… uh…”

“A friend.” Kinga interjected. 

“Yeah. She’s a friend.” A friend who kidnapped Jonah and forced him to watch bad movies, albeit in a different universe. 

Tom glanced between Jonah and Kinga. “Hey, aren’t you that woman we were supposed to find for that Max guy?”

“TOOOOM!” Crow yelled insistently from elsewhere. “Get the hose!”

“Alright! Alright! I’m coming!” He yelled back, shaking his head. “He can be so impatient sometimes. Well, see ya.”

Tom left again, and Jonah buried his head in his hands. “Why didn’t this universe’s me invest in a Keurig?”

Kinga smirked. “The Bots don’t seem to change much from universe to universe.”

“Well, Crow is still from our universe. Tom is just Tom, no matter where you go.” 

“How can you stand living with those guys?”

“They’re fun. Sure, they make a mess, and are loud, and steal my stuff, but they’re good people.” 

“Whatever you say.”

“So what’s your job in this universe?”

“Chemist. Unfortunately, not an evil one.”

“What a shame. How will you survive?”

“Don’t sass me, Heston.”

Jonah smiled and leaned foreward on his desk. “Hey, I’m in the same boat as you. We’re stuck here until we somehow manage to get back. Which means that you have to be nice to me.”

“God, no. Anything but that.”

“It’s either that, or I tell Max that I’ve seen you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I just want some respect is all. Considering that you have me kidnapped and are torturing by forcing me to watch bad movies…”

“Well, I’m an evil scientist. It could have been you, or any other dummy who listened to my fake distress call.” She paused. “Sorry. But it’s just who I am.”

“People can change.”

“Why? Why should I? What does it matter to you?”

Jonah thought back to one of the alternate universes he had been in. The one where their roles were switched. The one where Kinga was kind. “I don’t know. Maybe that’s just who I am.”

“Delightful.”

“I’m gonna check on the Bots.” Jonah said, standing. 

“Probably a good idea. Make sure they aren’t burning the house down.”

“Right.” 

Jonah left his office, heading towards the back of the building. There were more rooms than he had expected upon entering the building. One was the bathroom, of course, and one seemed to be a storage room for old files. Just how long had this universe’s Jonah been an investigator? 

He came upon a staircase, and followed it upstairs. He ended up in a short hall, with several doors branching off of it. There were Tom and Crow’s rooms, each betrayed by the photos they had taped to their doors. Then came Jonah’s own room. Would he be infringing on the privacy of alternate universe him if he entered? 

After a moment of speculation, he came to the conclusion that since they were essentially the same person, alternate universe Jonah wouldn’t mind him poking around a bit. He opened the door, revealing a room not unlike his own on the Satellite of Love. There were photos, band and movie posters, scattered books, and the miscellaneous robot part. Jonah chuckled when he saw the Star Wars comforter on his bed. He never had that on the SOL. 

Opening one of the dresser drawers, he looked for a change of clothes. He’d been wearing the same outfit for hours, and who knows how long alternate Jonah had worn it before him. He settled upon a plain grey T-shirt and jeans. Practical, and not too much. 

After changing into his new clothes, he left the room and continued down the hall. Eventually, he came upon the kitchen, in which Tom and Crow stood, looking slightly charred with the melted remains of a coffee maker in front of them.

“Guys, what happened?”

Crow glanced between Jonah and Tom. “It was Tom’s fault! He tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and he ruined everything!”

Tom scoffed “I did not! It was your idea in the first place! And besides, do I look like I have working hands? I couldn’t have done it if I had tried!”

Jonah sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Listen, I don't care who started it, just don’t do it again.”

“Yes, dad.” Tom said mockingly. 

Jonah rolled his eyes. “You guys are paying for a new coffee maker.”

—————

As the day passed, Jonah began learning more about his alternate universe counterpart. He had many similarities to regular Jonah, but distinct differences began to arise. Firstly, this other Jonah didn’t seem to drink any coffee other than the darkest, most expensive blends he could find, and apparently took it black, since there was no milk or sugar bowl to be found in the house. Secondly, he didn’t have anything in his cupboards other than ramen noodles, minute rice, and a can of cream of mushroom soup that had expired three years back. Either alternate Jonah didn’t like cooking, or he didn’t know how to. Finally, alternate Jonah was hiding something that Jonah couldn’t quite figure out. And it definitely had something to do with the guys who shot at him yesterday. Which definitely wasn’t a good sign. 

Jonah managed to find a whiteboard in one of the file storage rooms, so he brought it into his office and used it to write down the different aspects of what he knew thus far. He figured it was probably what an actual private investigator would do. At least, that was what they did on TV. 

After a while, Jonah realized that Kinga had entered the room. “How long have you been there?”

“About five minutes. What are you writing so intensely?”

He hesitated. Should he tell her? She was, after all, an evil scientist. But she probably wouldn’t kill him, at least not while they were in this universe. “This universe’s version of me seems to be investigating something, something he hasn’t even told the Bots about, and I’m trying to find out what it is. According to Tom, it has something to do with an undercover cigarette smuggling operation.”

“Yikes. What’s your involvement in it?”

“Looks like I seemed to be trying to shut it down. But whatever business alternate me may have been working on, he made sure not to leave any trace of it. He never used a work computer for it, and any papers he might have had were shredded and burned.”

“Burned?”

“Found the ashes in the wastebasket.” Jonah took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I’m kind of concerned, because this means that now, whoever’s after this universe’s version of me is now going to be trying to kill me.”

“I threaten to kill you all the time, and this is what it takes to spook you?”

“Kinga, I get spooked by you constantly. I can never tell if your threats are empty, or if you’re actually going to kill me and feed me to the Moon 14 dinosaurs.”

Kings smiled. “Good. An evil scientist should always adequately scare their test subjects.” 

Jonah put his glasses back on and took a step back from the whiteboard, hoping that a different perspective might pull things together. It did not. 

He sat down in his desk chair. Alternate universe him did have an excellent taste in office furniture. “I just want to find out why they’re after me. Or, why they’re after alternate universe me.” 

“Just say ‘me,’ it’s easier.”

“Right. Yeah.” He thought for a moment. “If I die in this universe, will I die in the regular universe?”

Kinga seemed taken aback by the question. She clearly hadn’t thought about the subject of dying while universe-hopping. “I don’t know. Since you’re in the body of your alternate counterpart, I have a feeling that if you die in this body, you’ll end up back in our universe, while this universe’s Jonah will be dead. But I’m not sure.”

“I don’t want that to happen. Ideally, I want all versions of me to remain alive.”

“What if it’s a version of you who’s a dick?”

“I won’t know if they’re a dick, I probably would never be able to meet them.”

Kinga paused. “You have a point. Spend so much time in another person’s body, and yet you still don’t know who they are.”

Jonah raised an eyebrow. “You sound like you know a lot about this.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Hold on, I thought this was the first time you’ve ended up in a different universe?”

Kinga smirked. “You think I’d let you have all the fun?” Her expression grew serious. “I don’t know what sending up that matter transference machine did, but it didn’t just affect you and the Bots. It affected Max and me too. I’ve flickered between at least five different universes beside our own. Usually one of the Bots ends up there alongside me, but sometimes it’s just me. I don’t know why.”

“That’s… odd. I’ve only had it happen once before this time, and both times it’s happened I’ve always been with one of the Bots.”

“Maybe it’s different, since you were on the Satellite and I on the moon.”

“Maybe. We should probably try to get this whole thing sorted out when we get back.”

Kinga sighed. “I have tried. I can’t seem to find a cause of it, or any warning signs for when it might happen. For all I know, we could end up back in our own universe before this conversation even ends.” 

“So you have no idea what causes it?”

“None at all. And I’ve tried everything. But if there’s an infinite number of universes, that means it might end up happening an infinite number of times.”

“That’s… grim.” 

“Kind of, yeah. I’ve consulted with Servo about it, since he seems to have the same sort of problem as me. But he’s found himself in even more universes.”

“Really? He never told me. Then again, I guess I never asked.”

“Apparently most Servo’s in most other universes are pretty much the same, doing the same thing. He says that some other universes look exactly like our own, but with only slight differences. In one, you really like basketball for some reason.”

“Can’t imagine why.”

“Anyway, Servo says that his theory is that the fabric between the universes is thinning, and so for some reason the matter transference machine caused us to slip through it. After it happened once, we didn’t even need the machine for it to happen again.” 

Jonah scratched the back of his head. “That sounds really science fiction-y.” 

“Jonah, you live with a bunch of sentient robots on a Satellite and host a show that’s literally called ‘Mystery Science Theater.’ And ripping through universes sounds like science fiction to you.”

“You know, when you put it like that, it does sound a little absurd. But why do you think it happens more to you and him than it does to, say, me or Crow?”

“I have no idea. Random chance?”

“That’s reassuring.”

Kinga’s expression grew grumpy. “Listen, Heston, I could walk out of here right now and not lend you any help once we get back to our universe.”

“You were the one who came here asking for my help.”

“Yeah, well, I thought you would be this universe’s Jonah, who actually seems to know what he’s doing as a private investigator. Besides, yours was the only name I recognized in the phone book.”

Jonah frowned. “Where did you manage to find a phone book?”

“At a phone booth. It’s been a very odd couple of days.”

“This universe is almost as weird as the other one I ended up in.”

“What made that one so weird?”

Should he tell her? Or should he blatantly lie? He decided it would probably be best to tell her the truth. Just prevent any future problems that might arise. “In the other universe, our roles were totally switched. You were the test subject, and the Bots and I were the Mads.”

For some reason, Kinga seemed to blush when he mentioned that universe. “Ah. That one. I’ve been there too. It’s… different, from the time you were there.”

“Really? What happened? I know I had tried to help good-you escape, but I left before we actually got back to earth.”

“It… well… you and I end up dating.”

Jonah’s eyes widened. “Seriously? Good-you and evil-me end up… that’s so weird to think about.”

“Ew. Yes. You’re so scruffy and… too nice. It would never work.”

“You tried to force me into marriage.” 

“Well, yeah, but that was all a whole ratings stunt. I never really expected you to go through with it.”

“Then why did you make me do it? I literally got eaten by a robot snake summoned by your jealous second banana.”

“For the hell of it. Why do you think I keep you trapped on that Satellite?”

“Wow, you’re incredibly weird.”

“I will take that as a compliment. Thank you.”

Jonah rolled his eyes. “You do you.” 

—————

Jonah finally got some much-needed rest, collapsing into his counterpart’s bed and passing out almost immediately. Kinga was staying in what appeared to be a guest bedroom, though why they would even need a guest bedroom Jonah had no idea. Maybe this universe’s Jonah liked to have guests over. 

He slept for twelve hours, only awakening because someone was rapping on his door and yelling. His sleep-addled brain eventually deduced that it was Crow. 

“Jonah! Get up, Max is here to see you!” Crow said, ramming his hand repeatedly into the door. 

“Alright! Alright!” He muttered, rolling onto his back. He checked his watch. 11:30 AM. Oops. 

He hadn’t even bothered to change his clothes before going to bed, so he went through the drawers again and picked out an outfit that he thought a private investigator might wear. He haphazardly ran a brush through his tousled hair before exiting the room and descending down the stairs. 

Max greeted him when he entered his office. “Morning, Mr Heston.” 

“What’s up?”

“I wanted to come and check on the search for my friend.”

Ah. Right. That old thing. He quickly pulled an excuse out of his ass. “My partners and I are working hard on trying to find your friend. But yknow, you’re not our only case, and we’re a pretty busy business, so it might take some time.”

“What if something’s happened to her?”

“Listen to me, Max, most of the time, when people disappear, they’re just on an impromptu vacation. They want to spend some time away from everything. Work, family, that sort of thing. Maybe she just went to Atlantic City for the weekend or something.”

“She doesn’t gamble. And she loves her work, she wouldn’t just up and leave. Her family she always seems to like, as much as one can like their family.”

Max was poking holes in Jonah’s excuse, and he needed to come up with something better, and fast. “We will find her. Trust me, we will. But it’s hard to find someone who might not want to be found.”

That seemed to hit Max somewhere deep. His voice grew quiet. “Why? Why would she do that?”

“Who knows. People do things for different reasons. But she will show up.”

“Just… find her for me, will you? I’ll pay you more if you find her faster.”

Jonah hadn’t even considered the pay. He had no idea what a private investigator would even charge. “Don’t worry about that. We can talk pay after she’s found.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that.”

“Hey, it’s nice to meet someone who cares so much about their friends. I’ll do whatever I can.” 

They said their goodbyes, and Max left. Evidently, this universe’s Max cared about Kinga just as much, if not more than the normal universe’s. It was actually kind of sweet. 

Jonah sat down in his desk chair, picking up a pen to write down his latest interaction with Max. Suddenly, he heard a voice from underneath his desk. 

“Is he gone?” 

Jonah pushed his chair back, discovering Kinga hiding under his desk. “What the hell?”

“Sorry. I was in your office when he came in, and had nowhere else to go.” Kinga said, as she crawled out from the desk. 

“What were you doing in my office?”

“Wanted to flip through some files, see if there was anyone I knew that had any dirt on them.”

“Find anything good?”

“No, you have some really boring clients. Just a bunch of rich soccer moms, disgruntled husbands, and evil aunts.”

“I don’t think the private investigator life is exactly a life of glamor.” Jonah said, wheeling his chair over to one of the filing cabinets. “I might not know much about it, but I know it’s definitely not as fun as Magnum P.I. makes it seem.”

“Delightful. It seems like alternate universe you chose the world’s most exciting job.”

“Yeah, right.” Jonah flipped through some of the files. Many of the names were that of white suburbanites, people who were worried about their spouse cheating or their neighbor working for the KGB or something. None of them stood out, but for one. “Hey, there’s already a file with your name on it.”

“Really? Huh, then maybe alternate-me knows alternate-you somehow.”

Jonah pulled out the file and began flipping through it. “Says here you wanted to have me follow your father around for a while. Apparently he kept disappearing for some reason or another.” He continued reading. “I discovered that your father was sneaking out of the house to… oh, you probably don’t want to hear this part?”

“What? What is it?” Kinga asked, coming over to Jonah’s side and peering into the file. 

“To meet someone.”

“A drug dealer? Hitman? The KGB?”

“No. TV’s Frank.”

Kinga sighed with relief. “Oh. Phew. I was worried it was something terrible. I guess even my father doesn’t change much across these universes.”

Jonah took a moment to put the pieces together. “Wow, I definitely should have seen that coming.”

“You should have heard some of the pet names they called each other. Cookie-tush. Boo boo bear. Even tuna casserole, for some reason. I think my dad just really liked tuna casserole.”

“That’s… weird.”

“Oh, absolutely. My dad and Frank were weird people.” Kinga’s voice grew softer and more pensive. “Sometime I miss them. They died when I was still pretty young.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Eh, I got over it.” She said, but her heart wasn’t in it. Clearly, she wasn’t entirely over it. But she wasn’t exactly the kind to talk about her problems, so Jonah decided it was probably for the best to drop the subject. 

“Hungry?”

“Uh, yeah. There’s no real food in this house.”

“I know. Alternate me apparently has no idea how to cook. Wanna go somewhere?”

“I’m pretty sure I passed by a McDonald’s on my way here yesterday. There’s a hypothesis I need to test there.”

“A hypothesis?”

“Yeah, I need to test if I can find the McRib in any other universes.”

“Why?”

“Because for some reason the McRib is the one constant between every universe I’ve been in.”

—————

“So why did you want to become an evil scientist, anyway?” Jonah asked Kinga from across the table. They had discovered that this universe did, in fact, carry a McRib. Kinga didn’t order one, though, because she said they were ‘disgusting’ and ‘a crime against nature.’ Instead, they decided to share a twenty piece thing of nuggets and fries. 

“Well, both my dad and my grandma were evil. It just sort of made sense to go into the family business.”

“I can understand that.”

“What about you? What made you work at Gizmonics?”

“I don’t know. A way to use my brain, I guess. I always liked the idea of space travel, and Gizmonics afforded me that opportunity. Plus, I had always looked up to Joel Robinson, so it was kind of cool to work at the same place he had worked at.”

“Joel Robinson… wasn’t he the first guy my dad trapped on the Satellite?”

“Yeah, exactly. He built the Bots in his time on the Satellite.” 

“Huh. Kind of funny how you ended up in the same place as him again.”

“It’s a small world.” 

They fell into silence, munching away at their questionable at best nuggets. Jonah found that he actually enjoyed talking to Kinga, when she wasn’t insulting him, or mocking him, or yelling at him. He couldn’t quite tell if she actually enjoyed talking to him, or if she couldn’t wait for him to get back on that Satellite.

“We’ve been here for a while.” Jonah said, after some time. “In this universe, I mean.”

“Yeah, it can vary. Shortest amount of time I was in another universe was about half an hour, while the longest must’ve been… four days.”

“So this is normal, then.”

“Yep. I can’t say it’s ever fun waiting, but it is normal.”

“That’s good.”

Kings raised an eyebrow. “Were you getting worried that we’d be trapped in this universe forever?”

“No. Well, a little. But mainly I don’t want to have to muddle my way through being a private investigator any longer than need be.”

“Oh, come on. It’s not that hard. Just use some google search results, follow some people around, invade some privacy.”

“Here’s the thing: I don’t want to do that. If I had to choose between private investigator or captive test subject, I’d choose test subject.”

“Now, that is interesting. I’ll have to force the next person I kidnap into becoming a P.I.”

“The next person? Do you plan on kidnapping someone else?”

“Well, I mean, if you somehow manage to escape, which you won’t, I’ll need to get someone else to use as a subject to run the experiment.”

“You’re just assuming I won’t find a way to escape.”

“You’re stuck on a Satellite which has a geosynchronous orbit on the dark side of the moon. I’d say it’s pretty hard to escape.” 

“Pretty hard, but not impossible.

She seemed to think on that for a moment. “Yeah, not impossible. But there’s very few methods of escape, and even fewer that don’t carry an immense risk of death.”

“So what you’re saying is, you want me to stay on the Satellite.”

“You’re the test subject, of course I want to keep you on the Satellite. Even if you are irritating at times.”

Jonah rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’m such a painfully irritating person. How can you stand it.”

“Oh, now look who’s being sassy. This is a two way street, Heston. You don’t want me to make sassy remarks to you, you don’t do it to me.”

“Ok, ok.”

“And the minute we get back to our universe, the truce is off. I’m allowed to make fun of you as much as I want. You make fun of me, and I’ll turn off your oxygen.”

Jonah smiled slightly. He was getting to know Kinga better, and knew that she definitely wouldn’t do that. As she said, she needed a test subject, and Jonah had been more than cooperative. “Right. Like you said, evil scientists have to spook their test subjects.”

“Exactly. Now you’re catching on.” 

After they finished their meal, they meandered along the street back to where the office/house was. They continued to make small talk, until Jonah noticed something out of the corner of his eye down an alley. He motioned for Kinga to walk faster, and they were soon booking it to the office. When they reached it, they barged inside, and Jonah locked the door behind them. 

“What the hell was that about?” Kinga asked, breathing heavily. 

“Saw… one of the men who shot at me the other night.” Jonah took a few deep breaths, attempting to level his breathing. “Down an alley. I’d rather not have either of us get shot.”

“Good plan.” 

Tom appeared in the hall and floated towards them. “Jeez, what happened to you guys?”

“Running from guys with guns.” Jonah said. 

“So nothing out of the ordinary, then.”

“Yeah.” He paused. “Wait, what do you mean by that?”

“Oh yeah, I keep forgetting you’re not our Jonah. Basically, our Jonah makes a lot of enemies, so he spends a lot of time running from guys with guns. Usually it’s just disgruntled husbands. This whole cigarette smuggling operation, though, this seems to be causing even more guys with guns.”

Fantastic. Jonah couldn’t wait to get shot to death in an alternate universe. This was getting worse and worse as time went on, and Jonah knew he could do nothing to stop it. Hopefully he would switch back to his normal universe before things got out of control.

—————

Jonah decided that the best way to avoid running into the people who wanted him dead was to not leave the house. However, there was one problem. The building had Jonah’s name plastered on the door. He realized that whoever was trying to kill him probably already knew where he worked, and they might not want to kill him in such an obvious place. Or so he hoped. 

Kinga seemed to have no problem with being housebound, retreating into her room to do god knows what on the internet. 

The Bots, however, were not happy. Servo was used to going out on stakeouts for cases, and Crow wanted to use this time to, as he said, ‘explore the world.’ Jonah eventually managed to convince them to stay by promising to play board games with them. Little did they know, he was talking about Jenga. 

Jonah decided to use this time to get to know the office better. He didn’t bother going into the Bots’ desks, but he went through the drawers of his own again, hoping that they might reveal anything of use. He examined some of the paperwork, but it all seemed to be about active cases which his counterpart must’ve been working on. Oops. Hopefully none of these clients came in asking what he was doing. 

He hadn’t touched the drawer with the gun and the will. Judging by what he had found, alternate Jonah must’ve gotten the gun from a sketchy source, since he didn’t seem to have any documentation, license, or the like. Why he couldn’t have just gone and bought a gun, Jonah had no idea. But he wasn’t going to dispose of it either. Judging by his current situation, he might need it. Though he had no idea how to properly work a gun. Or turn the safety off, for that matter.

This search of his desk revealed nothing more than some old chewing gum wrappers in the bottom of drawers, a lost pen, and a bag of something that smelled like old salami but was completely green. He decided to bite the bullet and open up the drawer with the gun. It remained the same as it had looked the first time he had opened it. 

Hesitantly, he picked up the will and flipped through it. He gave most of his property to his friends, family, and the Bots, but he noticed something out of the ordinary. He left a lockbox key for Kinga, which went to a box in a nearby bank. This must’ve been one of the keys he had found in his pocket. But why? Why would he leave a lockbox to Kinga, when his only interaction with her would have been for a case?

He wheeled his chair over to the filing cabinet and pulled out Kinga’s file again. It didn’t appear to be any different from any of the other files he had read. Person trying to find lost person. It didn’t make sense. 

Out of nowhere, Kinga burst into his office, gripping her smartphone in her hand. “We need to talk.”

“Yeah, for some reason I leave a lockbox to you in my will? Any idea what that’s about?”

“Yes. Actually, I do.”

Kinga held out her phone, revealing a photograph. A photograph of the two of them. Kissing. 

“Oh, god.” Jonah said, sighing. 

“Yeah. It’s that bad.”

“That gets me wondering, how does this keep happening?”

Kinga crossed her arms and looked away, tapping her foot anxiously. “I don’t know. But it happens a lot. Even in the other universes you haven’t seen. It doesn’t make sense at all.”

“Right, I mean, you’re evil, and you seem to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, necessarily, I’m just not overly fond of you.”

“And that’s why you keep me locked up on a Satellite? Because you’re not ‘overly fond’ of me?”

“Can we talk about this later?” She seemed to be turning quite pink. “Why the hell do you have a will?”

“Alternate universe me apparently wants to make sure everything is in order just in case he gets shot. There’s a gun in this drawer too. I don’t know where he got it, but I’d be willing to bet the serial number is filed off.”

“Jeez, what was this guy doing?”

“I don’t know, but it definitely wasn’t legal.” He took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. This whole thing was starting to give him a tension headache. “We’d better get back to our regular universe, and fast.”

“Mind if I have a look in that drawer?”

Jonah waved his hand towards the drawer. “Be my guest.”

Kinga observed the drawer for a moment, before taking it and pulling it out of the desk. She dumped the gun out and proceeded to shake it, apparently listening for something. After a moment, she put it down and stuck her hand into it. She pulled out the bottom of it, revealing…

“A false bottom.” Jonah said, standing up and looking over the drawer beside her. “How did you know how to do that?”

“I’ve watched a lot of tv in my time, Heston. You’re not a real P.I. if you don’t have a false-bottomed drawer.”

“Nice.” Inside of the false bottom was one of those large orange envelopes, which seemed to be filled with documents. He pulled them out and glanced over several of them. “Hold on. I think this might be what I’ve been looking for. It looks like it’s a bunch of documents about people who work for this smuggling operation.” 

“Damn. There’s a lot of people involved.”

“And it doesn’t look like it’s just cigarettes. Drugs too. And some other stuff that I don’t even want to think about.”

“Jesus. Alternate you seems to have gotten into some serious shit.” She pulled out a chunk of documents and began flipping through them. “Some of these people are total scumbags. And that’s coming from an evil scientist.”

“At least now I know why these guys are after him. He knows all the dirt.” Jonah dropped the files onto his desk and sat down heavily in his chair. “I’m going to die.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Unless we somehow manage to switch back to our universe soon, these guys are going to find me.”

Kinga seemed to ponder that. After a moment, she hesitantly patted him twice on the head. “There there, test subject. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Jonah smiled slightly. “Thanks, Kinga.”

“Well, if you died, I’d have to find a new test subject, and that’s just a hassle.”

“Right. Of course. I shouldn’t mistake your kindness for sentiment.”

Kinga sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m just not used to being nice to people.”

“It’s ok. You’re an evil scientist. I understand.”

She took a few steps to the side and crossed her arms. “Phew. I was worried I’d have to apologize. That would’ve been embarrassing.”

“Sure.

There was a knock on the office door, Jonah almost jumped. He glanced at Kinga, who looked just as unsettled as he did. 

“Who is it?” Jonah said hesitantly, pushing all of the files back into the drawer and shoving the drawer back into its place. 

“It’s Max.” A voice says from behind the door. 

Kinga glanced between the door and the desk. “Well, gotta go.” She whispered, as she dove towards the ground and began to crawl under the desk. 

Jonah scowled. “Not again. Just come on out and play the part of his friend.”

“I don’t want to! I don’t know what he’s like in this universe. Plus, what am I supposed to say? That I’ve been in Aruba these last three days?”

“Yes, Aruba, or Atlantic City, or wherever the hell you want to go. Just work with me, ok?”

Kinga sighed, but she stood up. “Fine. But you owe me.”

“We can talk about this later. Just roll with it. Max, you can come in.” Jonah said, loud enough so that Max could hear it through the door. 

Max came in, his eyes immediately widening. “Kinga? Where were you all this time?”

Kinga paled. “Uh, I was at Disney World.”

“Why? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I wanted to experience it by myself. I’m sorry if I caused you any trouble.”

“I’m sorry too.” 

“Sorry for what?”

“Sorry for getting involved with the wrong people.”

Jonah had seen enough movies to know what a hand to the waistband meant. Without thinking, he leapt out of his chair and yanked Kinga to the ground behind his desk. Two bullets slammed into the wall where they had previously been standing.

“Max, what the hell are you doing?” Jonah yelled over the desk. 

“I’m sorry, Jonah. I really am. But they threatened my friends and family. I couldn’t say no.” 

“Can’t you just pretend to shoot us or something? Say you killed us and then just leave us be?”

“If there were any other way, I would have done it.” Max’s voice betrayed that he was on the edge of tears. 

Another bullet crashed through the desk, a few inches beside where Kinga and Jonah were sitting.

“Jonah.” Kinga said frantically, gripping Jonah’s arm. “Jonah, if we die here, there’s something I have to tell you.”

“We… we might not die. We might still get out of this. Max might change his mind.”

“He won’t. I know him better than you do.”

“We might just wake up in our universe like nothing happened.”

“We don’t know that. Just listen to me, ok?”

Before Jonah could reply, another shot rang out. This one cut through the desk and lodged itself in Jonah’s arm. 

“Shit!” Jonah yelled, putting a hand over the wound in his arm. 

“Oh, my god.” Kinga glanced over her shoulder. “Max, stop! Cut it out!”

“I can’t.” 

Jonah closed his eyes, bracing for the end. But the end didn’t come. The shooting pain in his arm was gone. His back wasn’t up against a desk. 

He was standing on the bridge of the Satellite of Love, the Bots standing beside him. He opened his eyes, and saw Kinga on the screen. Kinga looked just as startled as he did at the sudden revelation. 

“We made it.” He said, taking a deep breath. “We made it.”

After a moment of silence, Kinga spoke. “I guess we’ll never find out if you died or not.”

“I don’t know if I want to.” He turned to Tom. “What was alternate universe me like?”

“A really cool guy. Did you know he was a private investigator? Yeah, apparently he had been looking into this smuggling operation before he ended up here. What happened with that when you were there?”

“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you guys later.”

“Awww, but I wanna know now!”

“It’ll be good for you to learn some patience.”

“Yeah, I don’t even know what happened, and I was just a few rooms over.” Crow said. “I heard some gunshots and some yelling, but I couldn’t make it out.”

“I promise I’ll tell you guys later. Now, I need to talk to Kinga for a moment.” 

The Bots simply stood there. 

“Alone.”

“Oh. Right.” Tom said, and they both exited the room. 

When he was certain the Bots had left, Jonah looked back at the screen. “What happened back there? Did I get shot and die, and it sent us back here, or did it just so happen that we were thrown back here at the exact time that Max was about to kill me?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t remember if I heard another shot or not. I don’t think I did.” She looked stressed. “Besides, Max isn’t a good enough shot to hit you anywhere that would kill you instantly.”

“Are you telling me the truth, or are you lying so that I don’t know what really happened?”

“Honestly, Jonah, I don’t know what happened. I have no idea if that universe’s Jonah is now dead.”

Jonah leaned on the console, digging his hands into his hair. “This whole thing was just a mess.”

“I know. If I had any way to control how the travel works, I would. But I don’t. There’s a lot of ‘can’ts’ and ‘don’ts’ in my life right now.”

“What if this happens again? What if I end up in another universe where people are trying to kill me?”

“I don’t know what will happen. This whole situation… it’s incredible, from a scientific viewpoint, but also terrifying. Literally anything can happen at this point.”

“So I could end up in a universe where I have a dog’s face for a head?”

“Now, that seems to be an exception to the rule. Though roles may be changed, and people may have entirely different personalities, they never seem to change who or what they are. The Bots will always be robots, and you and I will always be humans.”

“And just when I thought it couldn’t get more confusing.”

“Yeah. It’s bad.”

Jonah suddenly remembered something. “Kinga, what did you want to tell me back in the alternate universe?”

“Uh, what do you mean?”

“You said you wanted to tell me something when we were getting shot at behind that desk. What was it?”

Something struck Kinga’s expression. Was it fear? “Oh, it’s nothing. I can tell you later.”

“Are you sure? We’re no longer being shot at, I’m sure I can be much more receptive to whatever you wanted to say now.”

“Just the more reason to wait.”

Before Jonah could respond, Kinga had powered off the viewscreen from her end, leaving Jonah in silence. He took off his glasses and put them on the table, rubbing the bridge of his nose. After a moment, he spoke. 

“What the fuck is happening?”

**Author's Note:**

> Note, I actually have no idea what a real private investigator does, so if any of this is inaccurate, please use your willing suspension of disbelief. All of my knowledge comes from episodes of Magnum P.I.


End file.
